Waiting

So often it seems we are waiting. There are many things I am waiting for right now.

At times, I have not felt patient while waiting. I have felt different things…

Frustration.
Anger.
Pain.
Sadness.

But when I do try to be patient, I feel different things.

Quiet.
Light.
Peace.

I know which set of feelings I’d rather have. But it’s just so natural and easy to feel the other way.

I’m trying so hard to be better, but this morning was difficult for me again as a realization that I needed to keep waiting for the good things I hope for again settled on me. I kneeled to pray. I was very sad, and really, that’s all I could say. “Father, I’m so sad. Please help me.”

As my day has gone on, I have tried hard to do my best. I feel that I have been blessed to notice the sun shining and the fresh breeze rushing past. I have noticed the sound of beautiful music and the sound of my children laughing, and have felt that my Father truly is near and knows.

As I opened my scriptures to read this afternoon in a quiet moment, I heard Him talk to me.

And therefore will the Lord wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the Lord is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him.

For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem: thou shalt weep no more: he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee.
(Isaiah 30:18-19)

I found myself wondering at those words…the Lord waiting? I don’t often think of Him waiting. But as I pondered on my life right now and all that I am striving so much to do and to be worthy of, and all of the waiting that seems to be necessary for me right now, I could feel Him waiting, also. But maybe He’s waiting, not to punish me (not that I thought He was, but you know what I mean), but rather, “that He may be gracious unto [me.]” How could waiting to bless me with certain things be the same thing as being gracious unto me?

As I thought about it, light and peace came back to me. I thought back on all of the times that He has waited, and asked me to wait. They were painful times, difficult times, and, eventually, joyous times, as I learned to draw nearer to the Lord, to find happiness in the blessings I had, and to want what He wanted for my life, rather than what I wanted. Each experience I recalled was choice to me, and though painful, was more than worth the price because of what I grew into. I realized that here I am, in the middle of another chance to grow and to become more.

Truly, the Lord is waiting right now, but I feel that it is so that He can be gracious to me, in allowing me a chance to grow and humble myself. But I do know that He “will be very gracious unto [me] at the voice of [my] cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer [me].”