A decision

I wrote this a few days ago. I just never posted it, because I wasn’t sure of the wording. I decided to just post it, because I need to help myself remember these things. :)

Life is interesting. A few months ago, everything seemed so sure. We had been through so much pain and struggle, and had changed our wills. After all of that painful time, life seemed to blossom for us with new possibilities. And it has. And I am happy and grateful.

But part of me is also so tired, and tonight I am tempted to feel beaten down. So much has happened in the past few months. So much that I don’t even know how to talk about, except to Matt and in my prayers. It’s tempting to feel that ironic, self-centered pain…that feeling that I know we all have from time to time…”Why does everything seem to work out for everyone else? I have faith and I’m a good person.” Aside from the fact that this is the exact thought that, if fed, can canker our souls and cause us to selfishly forget the tremendous blessings that we are given, it misrepresents what is really happening. Everything is working out, just not how I wanted.

Ah, yes, we’re back to that again. And again. And again. I revisit this struggle with my will a lot, don’t I?

A few months ago, things were challenging, though bright. Matt and I were apart, but we were both safe and so happy for our bright future. I had faith, and felt certain that things would work out. It was a little easier at that time to decide to have faith, because, as I wrote, “Faith is not a feeling. It is a decision.” At that time, we were coming out of a long tunnel of trials and I could just see what happy things lay ahead of us.

But, as happens to all of us, I’ve felt these past few days like my heart has just been put through the wringer, again and again these past few months. I feel as though the past year and a half of my life has been an accelerated course on letting go of what I want.

As I have been faced, once again, with a decision of whether to have faith or not, I struggled. It was much easier a few months ago, when I had a happy faith and a clear idea of how I wanted it to work out, and a sure plan inside my heart. Last night was different, as deciding to have faith meant giving up the one little light of hope I had left in my heart for a righteous desire that I had. I felt like I had had faith and a sure knowledge that the Lord would do this one thing. I know He could do it. But right now, things are going in a different direction, one that I do not want. So once again, I come to that crucial junction…let my heart hold on and try to maintain the control, or let go and stop worrying about what I want.

It’s much easier to decide to have faith when things seem hopeful, even if they are challenging. But when there doesn’t seem to be any hope, it’s a tougher decision, I’m learning.

But amazingly, once I decide to surrender my will once again, hope returns. A different hope. Not a hope for what I wanted.

Just hope. And peace. Because I remember that somehow, He has always made it alright. Somehow, He will again. And in the meantime, I know He knows how I feel, and feels it right along with me.

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  1. Pingback: » Faith and Counting Little Women and a Mom

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