What I’ve been carrying around…
There has been a lot on my mind lately. I have been working on a project of mine in every spare moment I have…i.e., when all 5 children are sleeping. Those moments are rare, so my work must occur at a rapid pace. (Yes, I know I’ve been discussing said project here and there…I promise to actually talk about it soon.)
So I’m tired. But adding to that tiredness is a monumental heartsickness that I grapple with almost constantly, and which I am constantly trying to figure out how to deal with. There are so many things I care about, and things I am trying to do something about, and the gruesome injustices and fears of the world weigh on my mind.
I go through such a flux of emotions. I hold my dear, precious baby, and I feel such joy and such pain all at once. I feel such gratitude, and such guilt. It’s hard to explain. I ache for the women who suffer. For the women who have such pain, all over the world, in all walks of life. I have so much, and at times, it seems so unfair. And no, I need no helpful comments telling me it’s not my fault. I know that. But I still ache.
At times, I rise up on wings of gladness and hope, feeling like I can help. Then self-doubt would have me crash. The ebb and flow is constant some days, and it’s exhausting. Working on this project makes it come ever stronger, and more violently. I constantly fight the “Who do you think you are?” feelings.
Well, as Matt would remind me, I’m a woman, a daughter of God. One who cares about other daughters, and who will try to help.
I saw this today, and it lifted me. Women who carry such burdens, who can still laugh and find joy. I found the burdens they carried to be so symbolic of their burdens in life. If they can keep smiling and laughing, surely I can, too, as I try to help.
And truly, this child is a gift, one of my greatest. They all are. How could I ever hold them and not be comforted?
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