New Year, New Fear

Well, not so new.

Every year around this time, I feel so out of place.  I still cling to the joy and peace of Christmas.  I love looking back at all the blessings of the past year.

But as everyone around me gathers up steam, optimism, and excitement for the upcoming year, I find myself feeling out of place.  The new year comes, and it seems everyone celebrates the possibilities.

Not me.  Every year, I panic.

I look back at the challenges and I feel tired.  I wonder if I can possibly do it all…all that unknown, again, for another year.  The last year, though good, is always something that I am amazed I made it through.  Every year, the fear runs through me that I just won’t be able to handle it this year.

This year, as New Year’s day has approached, knowing the panic that was coming, I have tried to reassure myself, reminding myself that everything always works out.  I’ve been somewhat successful until this evening.  My sweet little four-year-old was playing, and as I watched her, I couldn’t help it…my heart filled with worry for her little future.

What if someone is unkind to her?  What if she is sad?  What if bad things happen?  What if?

And there it was.  The panic.

It hit me hard and fast.  I had to go away for a little while and regroup.

I prayed for help.  It came.  As it always does.

I look back on the times that have been the hardest in my life, the times of sorrow and pain.  The times of loneliness, uncertainty, and sadness.  Those are the times that I love the most when I look back.

Because those are the times that I can see so visibly the help that I have had.

Somehow, there is always someone, something, somehow…Some way that things are made possible and I am delivered.  I know somehow that my children will have that when they need it, as well.

So welcome, new year.  Let’s do some good. :)  I’m not going to be afraid of you this time.

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