How to say it all?

I’ve been emotional since this weekend.  Really, I’ve been emotional since Utah.  Emotional and restless.

Somehow, remarkably we’ve been swept up in this new life.  New, miraculous, and totally unexpected a few short years ago.

But there was this amazing moment of clarity, during a recent Salt Lake event, where I began weeping as I lay on my mat while leading the presentation, because I knew it in that moment.  This isn’t just a once-in-a-while thing anymore.  This is me. This is us.  This is who we are now.

But there are times when even that clarity makes it hard to know how to function, how to act.

This weekend I met with two dear friends who I really know only through Congo.  I was nervous on many levels.  I have felt so out of place lately that I wondered if I would seem strange to even them.  I was nervous because I knew that the play we would see together, Ruined, would be a highly emotional one, and in the state I was already in, I didn’t know if I was ready.

It was remarkable.  One of the most remarkable experiences I have had in a long time.  I knew about what to expect from the material, and yet still, I was torn open.

The three of us sat weeping in the theater after everyone else had gone.  We cried openly in the little coffee shop behind the theater for even longer.

The conversation was just what I needed.  So much what I needed.

We would each just say whatever came to mind.  The conversation was broken pieces of each of us, somehow fitting together into a beautiful, supportive puzzle, right there in front of us.

At one point, I blurted out, “I feel lonely.”

I couldn’t think of a better way to put it.  Loneliness has engulfed me lately.  I feel so separate from everyone around me.  I feel like the path that Matt and I have chosen for our family has isolated us in many, many ways.  I feel like I care about things that I am desperately trying to convince others to care about.  And I feel like a mother who is trying against a wake of impossible waves.

But somehow, speaking with my friends, who miraculously felt the same as I do, I was healed somehow.

In the wake of the absolute despair in which it would be so easy to view this conflict, there was hope.

I felt suffocated, too, with sorrow for Japan.  The surreal images shook me.

But then, there was hope, in one single image.

Those people had lost everything, and yet, they’re still smiling.  Because they have each other.  That changed me somehow.

This past weekend, we also finally got to celebrate a special birthday.  My sweet, wee baby turned one last week.

It’s hard to believe that a year ago, this wonderful miracle came into our lives.

She is an angel, a presence that has lifted every one of us.

The miracle of having her here is one that has taught me more than almost any other event in my life.

I think it was the simplest birthday we have ever celebrated.

She wasn’t drowned in presents, and there was no huge uproar.

It was just a simple afternoon of being together with our beautiful daughters.

It was very sweet.

I just love all the life that is wrapped up in this little one.  :)

She gives me hope.  She reminds me that miracles are possible, even when you feel lost.

With the emotions of this past weekend ringing in my heart, we find ourselves questioning everything again.  Questioning our life and what we really want and what actually matters.

Questioning our influence in this world, and how our family effects others.  Questioning the kind of mother I really am, and what I really want for my family.

There have been moments in my life that have changed everything.  Big things, small things.  But they’ve changed everything.  Those moments make it impossible for me to live a normal, everyday life.  Those moments make me not want to waste a second.  Those moments make me work for something more.

Those moments make my love swell, and make me grateful for safe arms and a loving friend.

6 Responses

  1. Mom R.

    Mary is, indeed, the embodiment of the Savior’s very intimate and personal “tender mercies” for you! :)

    It is interesting how one can feel so alone even though there are others around, isn’t it? The one thing that I *can* offer is that it’s obvious to me, that you and Matthew have very special callings to fulfill in your futures; exactly what and how, I don’t know, but you are a marked couple, and can’t be just any-old-body’s. I guess that’s both the good and bad news! But no matter what, we sure love you! :)

    March 23, 2011 at 5:30 pm

  2. Jessie

    Happy Birthday sweet baby girl!

    March 23, 2011 at 9:10 pm


    “Questioning our life and what we really want and what actually matters.” Uh…evidently what really matters is…C.A.K.E. Maybe we could all take your wee one’s advice once and awhile and just love us some cake.

    I am still getting stirred up in surprising moments this week too. Tonight at drum class…sigh…after I suggested that everyone go see Ruined. Blank stares. The return of doubt. The return of annoyance. The return of hatred of apathy.

    I need some cake.


    March 23, 2011 at 9:40 pm

  4. Tiffany

    Ann, I hate to beg, but may I puh-leeease come visit you already?! (Lol). I don’t like reading about how lonely you are when I’m just a short drive away! (Besides, I could sure use some girl time myself). Big hugs are being sent your way!

    March 23, 2011 at 9:47 pm

  5. Cake for everyone! :)

    I’ve wanted to see Ruined, but have been afraid too, as well. It’s brave of you to allow yourself to be open to something you know will hurt and change you.

    March 25, 2011 at 11:43 am

  6. Debbie Domenici

    I too have been very lonely lately! There are so many things on my mind and internal struggles I am going through. You always seem to be able to put into words how I am feeling! I wish we could come and spend some time with you and your family. I need some of your Spiritual uplifting!

    Happy belated birthday little miracle!

    April 11, 2011 at 9:48 pm

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