Rising to the Occasion

Well, have you missed me?

It’s been so long since I’ve written here.

This hasn’t been exactly the summer I had planned. I had planned so many fun and wonderful adventures with the girls. I had created a whole, lovely, summertime world in my mind of what I wanted.

But things change.

A glorious, glorious change came over me right before I went to Pennsylvania all those months ago. I even remember the exact moment I knew.

Have you guessed it?

Another tremendous, incredible, indescribable miracle.  A gift I should never have, but am being allowed, so mercifully.

Blessed am I. Can I say it enough?

I have never been so full of joy and gratitude.  But I have also never struggled through a pregnancy so much.

This summer was supposed to be the gift of the very best of myself and the world to my children.

Instead, it has been lived couch to bathroom.  All day.  Lonely for a husband that, until recently, worked unearthly hours.

Five little girls, just waiting.  Ten big blue eyes.  One hundred little fingers and toes, creating chaos as they wait.

Words can’t describe the conflict of emotions…overwhelming joy at the active little one inside of me, combined with tremendous guilt over the five that have already emerged from me.

How to reconcile the two?

I can’t.

Except to say that I know this is right.

And somehow, in those moments of writhing morning sickness, I felt it so clearly…somehow, I am being taught.

I do see the little glimpses of lessons learned.  Of things I have thought of only because I have been forced to slow down.

I have faith that someday, I will look back at this summer and see exactly what it was that I was learning all along.

For now, what I have learned is to slow down and look at my daughters.  They are growing before my eyes.

Being unable to be the mother I long to be has made me ache as never before to be, to become, the mother I dream of being.  The mother that I know is inside.

Isn’t it true that we never want something so badly, until it’s taken away?

Lately, as I struggle with exhaustion, I find that I have to fight hard to do the few things a day that matter most.

There is a lovely line from sweet Mr. Magorium in one of my kids’ favorite movies that comes to me over and over again in those moments: “Your life is an occasion.  Rise to it.”

Never before in my life have I been so committed to do so.

But I have to be patient with myself, and give myself time.  Joy cometh in the morning.  :)

11 Responses

  1. Jessie

    I understand! I felt the same way the last ten months. I love you. You are doing everything right.

    August 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm

  2. Sarah Burgoyne

    Congratulations! You’re such a wonderful mother and example. I hope everything goes well. After 5 girls I think I would almost be afraid to have a boy :)

    August 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

  3. Yes, as a matter of fact I HAVE missed you! Congratulations on your wonderful news!

    August 11, 2011 at 8:13 am

  4. oh my goodness! congratulations mama! i had no idea! check with your doctor and see if you can get fluids…that helped with my tremendous weight loosing second pregnancy. i am so happy for you, but totally understand, I always feel like i could, should, would be a better mom in moments where i am not.

    thinking of you mama.

    ;)
    jen

    August 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

  5. I’m so happy for you and your family! What a wonderful and blessed miracle!

    August 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

  6. I have missed your posts! Great to see them again, they’re an uplifting time of my day! :)

    Love you darling!

    August 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm

  7. I love you!! :)

    August 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm

  8. Liesel

    Oh Ann! I know how you are feeling. I’ve had three miserable pregnancies. I remember my last pregnancy when I was throwing up constantly, miserable and unable to walk…literally totally disabled. Then I’d look and my girls and feel so badly I couldn’t take care of them. It is the worst. If it makes you feel any better, after a time, the older ones came out of it without any damage from the time that Mommy was sick.

    August 14, 2011 at 5:38 pm

  9. Debbie Domenici

    You are a wonderful mother to five beautiful girls! And, what beautiful pictures you take of them! Your posts have been deeply missed because they are so uplifting. We are so happy for your family. We love you and miss you so much!

    September 3, 2011 at 9:43 pm

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