Lost and Found
Missing:
One pregnant belly.
Makeup on my face.
Motivation of any kind to start doing yoga again.
Found:
One perfect, healthy, sweet baby.
One very sore and bruised belly from the shots.
One mind full of thoughts and concerns about the many things I care about and want to change.
That empty, lonely feeling inside that comes post-delivery when there is no more baby in there.
One body that seems not to trust me any more.
25 extra pounds.
Oy. That brings us back to the final “missing” item.
This has been a remarkable recovery time, for which I am so grateful. Everything has been so blessed this time around, in spite of challenges. Emotionally, I think I’m doing better than I ever have post-delivery, and I am so thankful for that.
But alas. My body and I are not getting along so well. It seems my body, mind, and heart have all been going in different directions.
For three weeks now, we’ve been at odds with each other.
It all started that fateful Sunday afternoon three weeks ago. I had been up most of the night with a sick two year old, and I was tired. So when my contractions became harder and harder, my body cried out, but my mind said, “No, it’s not really happening yet…you’re too tired today. Besides, you have no one to watch the other little ones today. Wait a few days.”
And with that, though my heart knew that whatever would come would be alright somehow, my mind told my body to be quiet and forced it to lie down.
For hours, my mind and my body fought, with my heart in between. My body moaned, but my mind willed that the baby would not come yet, not until the time was better.
Poor Matt pleaded. My mind said no. (So stubborn, goodness sakes.)
My mind, for the love of my other children, and out of pure and complete exhaustion, just could not accept that the time had come. (Not that I wasn’t aching to have my baby. I just didn’t know what I would do with my girls, particularly my sick one, that day.) Somehow, Matt got me to go, and found a kind friend to watch the girls for us, for which I am so thankful.
The birth was a bit difficult, but we were so tremendously blessed and our little one arrived safely. My heart and mind rejoiced.
My body began its recovery, but it has struggled to realign itself with my heart and mind. For someone like me, that has been a true challenge. I have felt at odds with my body, and I have felt like we don’t exactly trust each other right now. For me, that has brought a sadness.
Hence the lack of motivation to step back into my yoga.
Of necessity, in steps my bossy mind.
Today, knowing full well that I just needed to take a step, my mind forced my body to at least try again. I donned the Gaiam socks from Matt…I needed all the encouragement I could get.
Breath started to flow again, and after a few minutes, I tried my first post-pregnancy child’s pose. Sigh…the surrender. I sank. The comfort. Dared I try downward dog? Still a bit uncertain. Upward dog? It’s been so very long. Oh, my back cried Hallelujah! And my mind started to flow once again with ideas of how to help and change and do the things I need to do in my life…the ideas that come when my whole self is in tune.
Can my body and I learn to trust each other again? I think so. It’s harder when I’m self-conscious about my post-pregnancy body. We’ve all felt that way, I know.
But I think we’ll get there. I know we will.
So I think the point of this very long entry is this: Sometimes, for whatever reason, we become disjunct, disconnected from a good and important part of ourselves or our lives, be it through mistakes, bad choices, or happenstance. And there are things we know we need to do to make it right, to make ourselves whole again. Those things will never be easy to do, but if we just take that first step, the next one will come, and the next, and peace and trust can reenter our lives.
PS – I caught the tail-end of a little smile that this sweet one gave her sister today. :) Hope abounds.
PPS – To the dear friends who have called, I promise I’m not dead, and I promise to call back soon. I have been napping and reading to little ones, and beyond that, just taking it a day at a time. I love you. :)
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