Storms and Honesty

It’s late.  And I’m tired.  But my mind is full.

I have been amazed lately at the total, raw honesty on one of my friend’s blogs lately.  (I bet you know who you are. :) )  She’s totally exposed herself, her insecurities, her fears, her frustrations.  She’s made me think a lot.  And she’s made me feel so much better.  She’s incredible, and yet so human.  It’s made me feel like it’s more okay to be as human as I am.

So maybe it’s just because it’s late.  Or maybe it’s because I spent an evening with incredible women and their heart-wrenching honesty tonight and realized yet again how much we need each other.

But I’m going to be really honest.

I’ve really had a hard time lately.  A really hard time.  I’ve really struggled with bouts of depression, but it’s been different than what you might think.  Yes, I know my hormones are realigning themselves right now, but it’s been more.

Soul-wrenching questions about myself.  Doubts of my abilities, far greater than I have ever experienced.  Sadness about everything I am attempting.  Fear of total, ridiculous failure.  Fear of really being nothing after all. 

Ever since I announced our Congo event taking place in the fall, I have undergone a furious storm of criticism and doubt, both external and internal.  It has caused me to question everything I ever thought I was or thought I could do.  I have tried so hard to stay positive, to keep pushing my head back up, but it has been so. very. hard.

I’ve been trying to “fake it till I make it.”

“But what if I never make it?” says the incessant voice inside of me.

Thank goodness I have had a sweet baby to hold, and a kind husband to hold me.  Truly, gifts of God.

It has been an interesting time.  I have truly felt caught inside an agonizing storm.  But as much as it has been a painful time, it has probably been one of the most incredible times of my life, as well.  Enlightenment, inspiration, and life-altering guidance have burst upon my mind.  Love has abounded in my life.  My family is so happy, patient, and full of goodness.  Friends have been there for me in a way I have never had before.  And my own heart has changed.  But something is constantly trying to squash all of that goodness.

So I feel that one minute, I am crushed beyond reason, and the next, I remember all that I have, and I am soaring.  It is a constant up and down.

It’s been exhausting.

All week, I have been feeling unwell, and it’s made it that much harder to keep trying.  I’ve been praying a lot for help, and I know I’ve had a lot of help.  But yesterday found me tearfully, desperately pleading for help.  And in the middle of it all, rain pounded the house and tornado sirens started wailing.

How appropriate, I thought.

(No, I didn’t take that picture, fyi) 

At first, I watched the storm numbly.

But then something happened to me during that storm.  Something special and so very personal.

A reminder, even during this huge storm in my life, of who I really am.  A reminder that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or feels or says about me.  Because that isn’t who I am.  I remembered to listen to the One person who does know who I really am. 

This morning, when I went outside, after storm after storm raged yesterday, the world was new.  The air was clean, bright, and so very sweet.  I felt the same in my heart. 

And tonight, as I spent time with women who were truly hurting, I remembered the real me.  I listened, loved, and hopefully helped.  Regardless of what anyone else says, or thinks, the real me is someone who wants to do those quiet things.  Because they are what matter.

I feel again like the world just might need me.

And I don’t say that in a boastful way.  Believe me, not after how I’ve felt.  It’s all I can do to write it at all.  I say it, because if I, small, insignificant ME, can feel and know that somehow, the world needs me, like I have a true purpose, then maybe, just maybe, someone out there will read this and know

the world needs you, too.

You’re worth something.  You’re good.  You’re special.  You have a place and a purpose.

You’re needed.

So hang in there with me.  Don’t give in.  Because there are storms to weather, and I know we’ll both be weathering many, many more.

But was anything worth doing EVER easy?

No.

But always, always worth the storm, to see the beautiful, clean morning.  “Cast not away therefore your confidence.”

4 Responses

  1. c h a n t i l e

    That was beautiful. I'm glad your friend helped you! I always feel so loved during a storm… (unless tornado sirens are wailing lol)Thank you for writing that. I needed that today!

    May 28, 2010 at 12:57 pm

  2. Jessie Mae

    One of my favorite quotes is: "Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, sometimes he lets the storm rage, and calms his child."

    May 28, 2010 at 4:44 pm

  3. Debra Domenici

    Thank you so much for that! I have felt a lot of the same feelings a lot lately. I have really been missing the closeness that we had with our friends in Vernal, including your beautiful family. It is nice to have family close, but I really miss getting together with friends. I have really struggled with feeling as though I am not accomplishing enough, am I doing the things that I should be doing. You always know how to put a lot of the feelings that I am having into words. Thank you so much for being able to do that. You are a wonderful example of a loving wife, mother and friend. I admire how you are able to homeschool and take care of your 5 beautiful girls and great hubby and still put the time into your business and concern for others. I definitely need to become more organized so that I can help others like you do. Thanks for being such a wonderful example! We love and miss you deeply!

    June 5, 2010 at 5:29 am

  4. www.theevolvinghomemaker.com

    wow. thanks for sharing this. who could possibly criticize you for wanting to help the women in Congo? you are so amazing, I just wish we lived closer so that I could know better the inspiring woman who wrote this. thanks for reminding me there is a purpose for me too…:)Jen

    June 12, 2010 at 3:32 pm

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