What I’ve been carrying around…

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I have been working on a project of mine in every spare moment I have…i.e., when all 5 children are sleeping. Those moments are rare, so my work must occur at a rapid pace.  (Yes, I know I’ve been discussing said project here and there…I promise to actually talk about it soon.)

So I’m tired.  But adding to that tiredness is a monumental heartsickness that I grapple with almost constantly, and which I am constantly trying to figure out how to deal with.  There are so many things I care about, and things I am trying to do something about, and the gruesome injustices and fears of the world weigh on my mind. 

I go through such a flux of emotions.  I hold my dear, precious baby, and I feel such joy and such pain all at once.  I feel such gratitude, and such guilt.  It’s hard to explain.  I ache for the women who suffer.  For the women who have such pain, all over the world, in all walks of life.  I have so much, and at times, it seems so unfair.  And no, I need no helpful comments telling me it’s not my fault.  I know that.  But I still ache. 

At times, I rise up on wings of gladness and hope, feeling like I can help.  Then self-doubt would have me crash.  The ebb and flow is constant some days, and it’s exhausting.  Working on this project makes it come ever stronger, and more violently.  I constantly fight the “Who do you think you are?” feelings.

Well, as Matt would remind me, I’m a woman, a daughter of God.  One who cares about other daughters, and who will try to help.

I saw this today, and it lifted me.  Women who carry such burdens, who can still laugh and find joy.  I found the burdens they carried to be so symbolic of their burdens in life.  If they can keep smiling and laughing, surely I can, too, as I try to help. 

And truly, this child is a gift, one of my greatest.  They all are.  How could I ever hold them and not be comforted?

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