Upside-down

Living in this pure, cold place has changed me.

I feel so much nearer to God.  I also feel turned upside-down.

I feel upside-down and inside-out.  I feel so utterly exposed to myself: all my faults, all the things that I want to finally finish and change.  I am shocked and at times disheartened at all I still have yet to do.

This is the year, though, that I have prayed and longed for.  A time to finally truly endure the change that I so long to undergo.

I love to walk in the deep snow.  I leave the paths skied out by others and I plunge into the depths joyfully with my happy snowshoes.  Matthew knows me well enough to give me that time every once in a while.

I love to lose myself in the trees and the snow.  I love the work and the effort of sinking into snow that deep.  I love the pounding of my heart and the cold, crisp air and the whispers of the pines.

I love the prayer and the reverie.  I feel washed clean.

And even though I feel absolutely upside-down and sometimes confused by the things going on in my life and heart, I have this hope that I hold on to: that one day, one day, I will become what I was meant to become.

“And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.”

– Luke 1:45