Rising to the Occasion

Well, have you missed me?

It’s been so long since I’ve written here.

This hasn’t been exactly the summer I had planned. I had planned so many fun and wonderful adventures with the girls. I had created a whole, lovely, summertime world in my mind of what I wanted.

But things change.

A glorious, glorious change came over me right before I went to Pennsylvania all those months ago. I even remember the exact moment I knew.

Have you guessed it?

Another tremendous, incredible, indescribable miracle.  A gift I should never have, but am being allowed, so mercifully.

Blessed am I. Can I say it enough?

I have never been so full of joy and gratitude.  But I have also never struggled through a pregnancy so much.

This summer was supposed to be the gift of the very best of myself and the world to my children.

Instead, it has been lived couch to bathroom.  All day.  Lonely for a husband that, until recently, worked unearthly hours.

Five little girls, just waiting.  Ten big blue eyes.  One hundred little fingers and toes, creating chaos as they wait.

Words can’t describe the conflict of emotions…overwhelming joy at the active little one inside of me, combined with tremendous guilt over the five that have already emerged from me.

How to reconcile the two?

I can’t.

Except to say that I know this is right.

And somehow, in those moments of writhing morning sickness, I felt it so clearly…somehow, I am being taught.

I do see the little glimpses of lessons learned.  Of things I have thought of only because I have been forced to slow down.

I have faith that someday, I will look back at this summer and see exactly what it was that I was learning all along.

For now, what I have learned is to slow down and look at my daughters.  They are growing before my eyes.

Being unable to be the mother I long to be has made me ache as never before to be, to become, the mother I dream of being.  The mother that I know is inside.

Isn’t it true that we never want something so badly, until it’s taken away?

Lately, as I struggle with exhaustion, I find that I have to fight hard to do the few things a day that matter most.

There is a lovely line from sweet Mr. Magorium in one of my kids’ favorite movies that comes to me over and over again in those moments: “Your life is an occasion.  Rise to it.”

Never before in my life have I been so committed to do so.

But I have to be patient with myself, and give myself time.  Joy cometh in the morning.  :)

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