Making sense of it all

It’s three in the morning.  I long ago gave up the notion of sleep for this evening.

Tonight, as I skyped for a moment with another child of mine in the hospital who is very sick and frightened, I couldn’t help but think about this past year and what a difficult one it has been in so many ways.  One day she was perfectly healthy.  When she woke up the next, it was frightening, how sick she was.

This was my third child in the hospital this year.  And that isn’t to mention all of the urgent care and ER visits we have had again and again.  I truly don’t think I could count them this year.

Some things are just so hard.  And it’s hard to step back and make sense of it all.  It’s hard to see any purpose in your babies suffering through one of very your own worst fears (inability to breathe).  It’s hard to understand how in one year you could go from financial security to quite the opposite as medical bills just mount one on top of the other.

But this past week, I feel so transformed inside.  I feel like I have the blessing of sight…I can see so easily and remember so clearly how things have always been okay.  We have always been loved and blessed.  Somehow, I just know that this is all going to be okay.

It’s hard to remember that when days turn to weeks, and your home isn’t clean and your children have watched way too many movies because you’re trying to help 2/3 of them just breathe enough to get through another day.

It’s hard to remember when you have a wee one in the hospital that you can’t be with because you have one at home that needs you even more.  I feel pulled in so many directions this week.

I’ve been trying today to let go of what I think and want.  I’ve been trying to let go of the guilt that it feels like nothing is accomplished right now other than pure survival each day.  Somehow, that’s part of the plan for us right now.

It’s changing how I think…from “Doesn’t He want me to be able to ___?” to instead, “I know He wants ___ for our family, so somehow we’ll still be able to accomplish that.”  It’s so freeing!

Sometimes it doesn’t make any sense.  Not to us.  Not in the moment.  But somehow, I know it’s all given to us to experience, and we’re going to be better for it.


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