A field

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river
moving in you, a joy.


Interesting thoughts and emotions seem to be running through my mind right now. 

I feel so keenly aware of my blessings right now…probably more aware than I have ever been in my life.  Each day causes me to step back and marvel at our life. 

Interestingly, when others see me right now, it seems that they also step back and marvel…but not necessarily in a positive way. :)  And that’s to be expected.  It’s not every day any more that you see a mother with five small children, particularly one who is thrilled to be doing what she’s doing. 

I find that the more I become who I want to be, the less I fit.  Anywhere. 

In this current social/political climate, I am quite odd.  Many people look at me and see a woman who should not be smiling, but who needs liberation.  I am a contradiction to any idea of the “modern woman,” in many ways.  I am a mother.  I am a wife.  And I LOVE it.  I drink it in like warm breath.  Surely, I must be brainwashed?  Hardly.

I am stretching myself more and more, and as I do, I find myself entering circles of new people…good people, wonderful people.  But it is also difficult at times, as I am quite conservative and staunchly supportive of motherhood, and my life is quite a contradiction to some of the more liberally-minded acquaintances I have, and everything they stand for.  It can be hard to feel like I belong, like I can make a difference.

But I am also a contradiction in many circles that I feel more “at home” in…more conservative circles, because I believe so much, and hope so much, and truly feel that I will have the time, means, and help to change the world, if I just try.  I feel like it’s worth the effort.  I can’t brush things aside easily.  I’m a bit stubborn.  (Well, maybe more than a bit…)  I am not afraid of teaching my children to be different.  I am not afraid of being different, myself.  But that does make me stand out and feel a bit more alone at times. 

So where do I fit?

Where do we fit? 

I am doing what I love, in many aspects of my life.  All of my passion and love is caught up in my family.  So much of my heart is also striving to change the lives of women who are suffering.  I can’t do both of those things without stepping out of my comfort zone, and out of the “norm” in different areas.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.  I’ll meet you there. 
– Rumi

 I will never be what some of my more liberal friends think I should be, as a strong, modern woman, because I delight in being a stay-at-home wife and mother, teacher to my children, and have no desire to change my lifestyle.  I will never be what many of my more conservative friends feel comfortable with either, as I can be a bit bold and forward in my views, and cannot ignore the problems of the world. 

But in all of our differences, we can truly change the world together, each in our own way, each with our own gifts.  I pray we can meet in that field, and make a difference. 

By the way, this little snuggle-bug is two weeks old today.  Holding her, being her mother…pure joy.  I pray I can teach her to view herself and others through the open eyes of a bright, compassionate, thinking woman, who can value what each person has to offer, and who can become the best version of herself, doing things from her soul, meeting others in that field as well, and making a difference.

8 Responses

  1. c h a n t i l e

    You are beautifully stubborn; it suits you. :) Oh, I love Rumi! (and you!) And I am SO glad you are where you are, doing what you're doing! You are doing more good than you could possibly fathom–for your girls, and for the world. One person truly can make a difference; it's something that people don't understand anymore. I'm glad you're different; I'm glad you don't fit in! That means you are able to be moved to where you will do the most good.You are, in your own way, a whirling dervish; you are open to whatever it is you need to do next, open to inspiration and enlightenment, in ways that will help other people. I was reading some Rumi today, and think this fits you beautifully: "Come, come, whoever you are.Wanderer, idolater, worshiper of fire,come even though you have broken your vows a thousand times,Come, and come yet again. Ours is not a caravan of despair."

    March 29, 2010 at 10:27 pm

  2. Annie Sunshine

    Not everyone would be happy carrying the burdens you carry, your attitude is amazing! I am spent so many days after I get to the end, and I just want to run away for a few days, just me, no husband, no children. You never seem to have those moments. You are definately unique, and it is a good thing, a wonderful thing!

    March 29, 2010 at 10:43 pm

  3. Nicole

    that was so well written. you are a powerful woman… aren't we all? doing what we do in the name of children? i love you!

    March 29, 2010 at 11:11 pm

  4. Kirk

    I understand – I think. A lot of times I feel like a peanut M&M in a bowl full of plain M&M's. There are some (precious) things that I share with others, and we all have our chocolate innards and pretty candy shells, but there are some fundamental differences whereby I just know I'm different. Most of the time it's okay – but it's never easy to feel like I *really belong* to virtually any group. Got p-nuts?

    March 31, 2010 at 1:12 pm

  5. Krista

    If it helps, I think that part of that "not belonging" is simply being open enough that we think for ourselves and inevitably *do* run into those who disapprove of some aspect of us. :) I'm pretty sure we're not designed to truly "fit" into fallen mortal social groupings. That would subject our eternal nature to our mortal one, which isn't desirable. It's the process that matters most, I think; I keep feeling that there is much beyond our more regimented mortal concepts of right & wrong, which is why the gospel focuses so heavily on how we can be better and kinder ourselves. "God is Love" is a simple statement, but one that I think tells us something (and something reinforced by other scripture)! :)What we do out of genuine love, I think, *will* change the world.I'll meet you in the field. :)

    April 1, 2010 at 5:03 pm

  6. Debra Domenici

    You are such a wonderful example. You are a wonderful mom to your beautiful girls and a great wife and friend! You inspire me with how strong you are in the gospel, teach your children, produce your yoga videos, and everything else you do! I wish that we lived closer and could get together more often. I would love to have more of your influence on me and my family. You have been blessed with an absolutely beautiful family and hope that we can see each oher again soon! Please don't ever change! We miss you and love you all! I'll meet you in he field!

    April 2, 2010 at 3:20 am

  7. Dawn

    I could have written your post, though not as eloquently. I'm often viewed by other women, especially those who have known me the longest, that I am to be pitied for my lack of a "career." I, too, family educate my girls and am due with my 5th child in August. I worked in the professional world for 10 years before becoming a mother, and I wouldn't choose any other profession over my role as mother, wife and educator. I find inspiration in your blog, thank you for sharing!Dawnhttp://fourlittlewomen.com/blog

    April 2, 2010 at 8:47 pm

  8. Tara and Dan

    You fit in as my roommate!! We should be neighbors sometime :) Imagine all the hooded sweatshirt parties we could have! Sure love you and your sweet little girls :)

    May 10, 2010 at 4:35 am

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