Coming back

These past few months have really been tough.  They have been filled with self-doubt, and even peppered with self-loathing.

I’ve hated it.

But a desire to feel better and to be better has spurred me on.  It’s amazing that at a time when I am trying to finally step into myself, into who I am meant to be, I have hit my lowest.  And it’s been awful, but I have at least tried to refuse to stay there.

Nights have been filled with tearful conversations, over and over, with Matt.  (Without whom, I would have to say, I would be nothing.)  Days have been filled, again and again, with a prayerful attempt to go just one more step with a smile on my face.

And somehow, I can feel something changing inside me.

I am beginning to see a light ahead.

Today, during morning yoga time, my camera-happy daughter was having fun taking pictures of everything.  :)  She snapped a picture of me and when I saw it (excusing the lack of makeup that exists on my face 99% of the time…), I felt something deeper.

It was a look at myself from the outside, rather than the inner doubt and turmoil that I’ve been fighting through. 

Pushing upward as strong as I can, and reaching for more…for light.

Determined.

Somehow, when I see this picture, “au naturale” as it may be, I feel hope.  Like somehow, the woman in this picture will succeed, somehow, if she keeps reaching.

Have faith.  Have faith in yourself, and in God.  As hard as it has been, the past few months have been such a testament to His constancy.  Each time I have hit a low point, someone…one of you, has been there.  Somehow you knew to be there.  I love you for it.  Each of you have played some role.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson

We are all meant to shine…who are you not to?  Have faith in yourself.

(And yes, sometimes we do yoga in a dress. Because that’s the way we roll.) :)

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