Changing
I go to the hills
When my heart is lonely.
I know I will hear
What I’ve heard before.
– The Sound of Music
I haven’t blogged much this summer. Do you remember how, last fall, I wrote that I could feel myself bursting inside, like who I was becoming was bursting against my old skin?
This summer, I have changed so much inside that I hardly recognize myself.
I have gone to the mountains with my children again and again. Their minds come to life in a way they can’t anywhere else. While they have explored and dreamed and found themselves, I have sought heaven.
I have felt huge, rough edges break off of me. It has hurt. Change is at times a very painful experience. Much like the forming or breaking of mountains. But what is left in that raw place is a softer, more beautiful thing than ever existed before.
I have felt the tugging of two opposing forces in my heart, and I have felt them keenly. I have had to decide which voice to listen to, and when one is insistent and loud, the softer one can be hard to find. But the more I go to where I can hear it, and the more I close my eyes and listen, the more distant the other voice becomes, until I can barely hear it.
I am a child of God. Not the “universe.” God. My Father, and yours. I am loved. My life, my tiny little life, is not tiny to Him. I matter. What I feel and think and dream matters. I am not alone, and I just needed so badly to write that tonight.
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