Faith and Counting

I’ve had this blog post sitting in my drafts folder for a long time.  I haven’t really known what to say or how to finish it.

I have been struggling through a very dark time.  I have felt the onslaught of darkness that comes so easily when you are already feeling sorrow or pain.  Experience after experience has cut deeper and deeper lately until I feel like my very center is shaken.  I am always stunned by how that can happen, when you had thought you were so strong you could never possibly fall again.

I have learned so much about faith lately.  The truth faith of a child.  My husband has it.  My children have it.  Why haven’t I had it?

Time and again it seems I have to learn to remember that faith isn’t just a feeling.  It’s a decision.

Right now, as before, I cannot begin to understand how things will be okay if I let go and decide to have faith.  If I can push through the suffocating fear of so many things and choose faith.

I feel like my family has been patiently waiting for me.  Waiting with me.

I’m choosing faith.  In my heart of hearts, I know it’s the only choice.  I cannot imagine actually turning from faith.  As painful as it all is to let go of everything, I cannot imagine the pain of turning from the One who has given me everything.

It is amazing how peace comes when you choose faith.  When you have just enough faith to take that tiny step forward in the dark.  Fear comes by turning back.  I can’t do that anymore.

It is amazing how much “counting your blessings” truly helps.  It helps me to remember how merciful the Lord has been.  It helps me to have faith that there is hope and happiness ahead.

And I have so many blessings to count.

Blessed am I.

8 Responses

  1. Matt

    We are all together in the crazy thing called…”life” :) I’m glad you’re the one w/ me!

    Great pictures, wonderful video, and I Love you!!

    May 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    • Ann

      Love you too, baby cakes.

      May 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

      • Matt

        …and how do I “like” the picture of you and Ashley? ;)

        May 16, 2012 at 5:16 pm

  2. Debbie Domenici

    What beautiful pictures and video of a beautiful family! You are truly blessed and we are truly blessed to know you! We love you guys!

    May 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

  3. Liesel

    I LOVE the video, so cute and the “Thousand Years” song is perfect with it. I’m sorry you have been in such a dark place. I think you have more faith than you give yourself credit for. Just because things are dark or you are afraid doesn’t mean you don’t have faith.

    “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
    “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
    ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

    May 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm

  4. You helped me through many dark places, and especially this week. You are a brighter light than you know.


    May 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

  5. how absolutely beautiful.. i LOVE the video.

    May 21, 2012 at 6:24 pm

  6. janineg

    ann, you are a strong and amazing woman! it’s always hard to take that step into the dark when you can’t see what is ahead…but whenever i’ve done it, i have been blessed beyond my own imaginings! and slowly but surely the way ahead is lighted enough to move forward. you are a faithful woman. i love the quote by president hinckley that says that everything will work out in the end….and if it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end!!! much love and prayers!

    May 22, 2012 at 11:18 am

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