Faith and Counting

I’ve had this blog post sitting in my drafts folder for a long time.  I haven’t really known what to say or how to finish it.

I have been struggling through a very dark time.  I have felt the onslaught of darkness that comes so easily when you are already feeling sorrow or pain.  Experience after experience has cut deeper and deeper lately until I feel like my very center is shaken.  I am always stunned by how that can happen, when you had thought you were so strong you could never possibly fall again.

I have learned so much about faith lately.  The truth faith of a child.  My husband has it.  My children have it.  Why haven’t I had it?

Time and again it seems I have to learn to remember that faith isn’t just a feeling.  It’s a decision.

Right now, as before, I cannot begin to understand how things will be okay if I let go and decide to have faith.  If I can push through the suffocating fear of so many things and choose faith.

I feel like my family has been patiently waiting for me.  Waiting with me.

I’m choosing faith.  In my heart of hearts, I know it’s the only choice.  I cannot imagine actually turning from faith.  As painful as it all is to let go of everything, I cannot imagine the pain of turning from the One who has given me everything.

It is amazing how peace comes when you choose faith.  When you have just enough faith to take that tiny step forward in the dark.  Fear comes by turning back.  I can’t do that anymore.

It is amazing how much “counting your blessings” truly helps.  It helps me to remember how merciful the Lord has been.  It helps me to have faith that there is hope and happiness ahead.

And I have so many blessings to count.

Blessed am I.

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