I have it all.

I’ve found lately that I only truly have it all…all the joy, all the life…when I let go.

(Hiking near Mt. Falcon)

I’ve been hurting so badly lately because of things I wanted so much and couldn’t let go.  By clutching down and holding tight, I have only shut out life and faith.

I think sometimes I hold on just because I’m afraid to let go.  I’m afraid that if I do, no one will ever know what I felt or went through.  My sorrow will be forgotten.

(Ruins of the John B. Walker Mansion, known around here as the mountain castle.  Struck by lightning and burned nearly 100 years ago…yet still inspiring beauty and thrilling imaginations, in spite of the sorrow.)

I’ve found that doesn’t matter.  There is One who does know, and it is by letting go that I become the person He knows me to be.  

I confided in an old friend recently my fear of letting go, of walking through this new and different (not to mention unwanted) door in my life.  “I think you’ll be surprised by the blessings,” she told me.

I’ve held on to that.  I finally decided that I don’t want to hold back any more.  I’ve walked through, and already I am surprised.

I watched my children today.  My beautiful, lovely, sweet children.  They trust so completely.  They don’t mind falling out of the tree, because they know I’ll be there to sew up their pants and put on a bandaid.  They trust that each day will be filled with wonder.

And because they trust, somehow, it is.

Tonight they sleep, and they will dream of sisters and laughter,

of castles and queens,

of walking with deer in the woods,

of their friends the trees waiting for them in the mountains.

Tonight I will sleep, and I will dream of trust and faith and a bright future.

My life has not turned out how I had planned years ago.  There is a loss I mourn.  But it is better than my plans, because I am more.  And because of that, I have it all.  

There is so much good happening for me to write about here.  I’ll be back soon, with tales of a birthday and an Irish pub, among other things. :)