Choosing

Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant.

Maybe it’s because I’m moving to a different home (yay!!!).

Maybe it’s because I’m me.

But for whatever reason, I feel broken open inside.

Again.

My heart is throbbing with the weight of so much pain, so much sorrow.  Not my own.

Pain of sweet friends who are hurting more than I have ever had to.  Pain at anguish that I could never begin to fathom.

Pain that comes of suffering that we have no words to even describe.

Pain at the world that I brought these children into.  That I am bringing another child into.

I know homeless women.  Battered women.  Hurting women.  I’ve hugged and kissed Congolese women who have been through things we can’t even put into words.  They can’t either.

I have so many people who tell me that I just “can’t let it get to me.”  Because there’s nothing I can do to change it.

I can’t help but feel that I was meant to hurt for those things.  I was meant to feel it, deeply.  Maybe we all were.

Every night, I pray.  I plead for a better world.

I’ll never forget the first time that it struck me…if I truly yearn for a better world, I can create one.  I actually have power and choice in the matter.

If I want these babies to have a bright future, I can teach them to have faith and courage enough to build one.

Regardless of how utterly useless I have felt this summer, that is one thing that plays over and over in my mind.

It’s worth it to stand up and fight, to do my best, to say enough.  Even if I am tired, so tired, it’s worth it to spend my time each day with my children, teaching, guiding, and mostly just loving.

It matters.  It really does.

And it’s worth it to spend every moment of my exhausted, fleeting moments of quiet time doing what I can to reach out and help my sisters, even when I feel like my heart is breaking because so many don’t want to listen.  Because it matters.

It matters to her:

And to her:

And to quite a few others.

They are your sisters, and mine.  And they matter.  Every night I lie there and wonder, what if it were me?  Would anyone listen?

Creating a better world matters.

It matters to them:

I may be tired right now, but I feel like the fire is growing inside again.  I’m so glad.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The burning of that fire may be intensely painful, but it moves me to DO something.  And there are very few things that have ever brought me greater joy.

(PS – I hope you’ll join me in a month!)

5 Responses

  1. Liesel

    I’m sorry you have had such a rough summer. Your kids will be fine because you love them. I know what you mean about if it is worth it to be involved in certain things, for you it is the Women in Congo. I think it is. But, I also think it’s okay to take a step back just for a little bit if you need to while you are pregnant and have a new baby. You will have the rest of your life to work on the cause…says the person who is way overbooked with her commitments.

    Where are you moving?!

    August 20, 2011 at 1:18 am

    • Ann

      ha ha! You and I both understand being very busy moms, Liesel. :) We are moving to a different house, but still in the ward! It will fit us all much better. :)

      August 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

  2. Ann! I had no idea you were pregnant! Congratulations, sweet friend. You always inspire me in every possible way. Thanks for always wanting me to try to do better!! And yay for a new home!

    August 23, 2011 at 12:47 am

  3. oh ann, yes, yes, and yes. let the fire burn inside because you are changing the world and teaching your children how to do the same.

    August 29, 2011 at 9:49 pm

  4. Debbie Domenici

    I am sad you didn’t move closer to us, but happy you will be in a home that will fit your growing family better! You are raising your girls to be compassionate and loving women. They have a wonderful example! You may be taking some time away from your causes right now, but you will be very busy with them in the future. Love you guys!

    September 3, 2011 at 9:46 pm

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